I felt bad that not very many people got to "check in" but that was mostly cause Faith talked about Assertiveness Training and asked us if we would like to do that as a part of DBT group. We all said yes (I'm not sure if it was a honest yes, or just people going along with what others were saying; that's kind of the down side of asking a group mostly made of BPD people) but I am excited about doing it both in my one on one and group therapy sessions. it means I will get a double dose and since it is staggered I will probably get things out of it the second time thru that I miss the first time.
I talked about how the holiday season has been hard for me to get thru this year in my check in tonight. for the better part of a decade I have had a structure to my holiday season. I knew what to expect. I knew that we would have some sort of short get together with my family around a week or two before Christmas, We would go look at Christmas lights at some point, Christmas eve would be at church somewhere, and Christmas day would be at Eva's moms house with her whole family (which is always a bit stressful for me until I just focus in on my few favorite people (which is Harper's little ones))
I am just having a hard time with the change. Realizing that the change is ultimately my fault. But I am also realizing that the change is very important and actually a good thing cause I am finally getting the help that I need to get. Finally have received a diagnosis that makes sense to me, and a therapist in Faith that makes me feel like I can actually have a "normal" life and I can overcome my disorder.
The "teaching" tonight (I use quotes cause its less teaching and more conversation) was great. it was about emotion regulation and how to acknowledge feelings and allowing ourselves to feel them, but also knowing when the feeling is not warranted, or getting out of hand. and ways to bring the emotion into check and to regulate the emotionality of the situation.
I still have some struggles with this, but I am getting better about it. I still am frustrated to the point of anger about the way that this house smells, and when Rob calls me into the other room to show me some stupid video on youtube about something i just don't fucking care about. but I know he is just trying to connect with me, and he is lonely.
over all... I'm just in a foul mood, and I need to get my head right before I go to Christmas Eve Eve tomorrow night at church with Eva.
I love her so very much, and I am so excited to see her. She is so amazing, and wonderful. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me so very much. Even if I don't know why, I know she does and I know that she is honest with me, and I can be honest with her. I am learning to be more honest about everything, and I will get better about it in time.
Good night
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